one ugly cookie

just some mutant love cookies

I'm sure this post could have many love analogies interwoven. But so far it doesn't. It's just a story about the worst cookies I've ever tasted.

The thing is I had high hopes for these cookies. Real high hopes. This batch was bound to be one of my favorites- made from scratch, Red Velvet cookies. Red Velvet cake has been my favorite cake long before eating Red Velvet cake became trendy. My Grandma made my Uncle Vince a Red Velvet cake every year for his birthday. Her recipe is the one I grew up on and the one prefer, she even makes it with this flour-based frosting, not cream cheese. So that is how I like to eat it, flour frosting and all. I looked and looked for a reliable method for converting an existing cake recipe into a cookie recipe but couldn't find one. So I scouted out a cookie recipe that had similar ingredients to my Grandma's beloved cake. I was determined to make this batch perfect.

I once heard that butter softened in the microwave takes on a different molecular make-up than butter that is allowed to soften naturally. I still don't know if this is true- yet it always comes to mind as I artificially soften butter. According to legend the difference is apparently so great that it will dramatically change the outcome of baked goods if butter isn't allowed to soften in a pure and natural way. So for the sake of my "perfect batch" I was inclined to believe, what may well be an urban cooking myth, and got the butter out the night before.

I woke-up and lined-up the ingredients, naturally softened butter and recently purchased apple cider vinegar, included. I read through the recipe one more time and got to work. All was going well: the oven was pre-heating, the dry goods were mixed and set-aside, meanwhile the perfectly prepared butter was creaming with the sugar. I was so confident I would love this cookie I had doubled the recipe, so I could love it twice. Because the girls were off playing it allowed me a little more time to focus on perfection.

I cracked the first egg and watched as it completely incorporated itself into the perfect batter. Then I cracked the second egg and allowed it to do the same. By the third egg I was honestly marveling at the relative ease and speed that it was taking to make these cookies (maybe it was the butter???) But right then I dropped the whole, entire fourth egg into the batter. Before I could do anything the undertow of the KitchenAid had already swallowed up and spit-out the egg into a million, sharp, tiny pieces. A little shocked- I didn't even stop the machine I just watched it swirl around and wondered if I did it long enough would it completely grind-up the shells?

My perfect batch ruined. I started over with microwave softened butter and never recovered. I couldn't find the parchment paper and the cookies stuck to the pan. I wasn't sure what size to make them- the big ones were too big, the little ones too crunchy, and no two of them came out looking alike. I thought they were cooking too long and getting too dry, so I cut down the time and then they weren't cooked enough. They stuck together on and off the pan and frankly none of them tasted good.

I hoped my Grandma's frosting would redeem the lackluster cookies. But somewhere along the way that went awry. It's a tricky icing to make, yet I've done it before. But this time it was awful, absolutely awful. It just tasted like shortening. So I frosted about half of the cookies with the shortening- flavored icing when finally I realized they were not going to work I threw the rest out.  I took one bite out of a completed cookie and couldn't even finish it. It was so gross. Not what I had envisioned at all. They sat untouched on a cooking rack for the rest of the weekend, until somebody had the heart to dispose of them for me.

Coincidently the Monday after Valentines Day I noticed a couple of other bloggers had also made Red Velvet cookies for the big day. They all raved about the festivity and deliciousness of their creations and mine had tasted like big, red, dry wafers sandwiched together with vegetable lard. This is where I could tie everything back to love. How it works. How it doesn't. Why it isn't fair. And why some people always seem to get it right on the first try. Some of us have found love and others are still looking. How none of us have perfected it...But love is way more complicated than a botched cookie. Because with real love nobody has all of the answers all the time, and sometimes even love can be one ugly cookie.